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Britney Spears’ watch Day 5: She’s “just getting started?”

December 7, 2006

God, help us.

Britney Spears is feeding the fire inferno of gossip created after her pantyless romp with Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan.

Britney at the AMAs in Nov. (AP)This is like throwing gasoline, kerosene and many other words than end in “-ene” on a pile of leaves and launching fire at it. Or like taking a hammer to a flaming WD-40 can (both illustrated here and here).

The “watch” has just been fed for a fifth day! It’s just too easy, I swear. (Parts one, two, three and four available here … When does it end?)

According to Fox News, she has just issued a statement on her Web site concerning her recent naked photos. She does apologize to fans for taking her nightlife activities “a little too far.”

Good first step, which was obliterated by her final comment that she’s “just getting started.”

GULP!


From the report:

The message reads as follows:

“It’s been so long since I’ve been out on the town with friends. It’s also been 2 years since I celebrated my birthday. Every move I make at this point has been magnified more than I expected, and I probably did take my new found (sic) freedom a little too far. Anyway, thank God for Victoria’s Secrets’ new underwear line! I look forward to a new year, new music and a new me.

I’m just getting started….Happy Holidays everyone! Britney”

And now … the in-depth analysis of her statement that you Britney-aholics require.

  1. What? You didn’t celebrate your birthday with K-Fed? Well, that’s just another reason for divorce. If I forgot to celebrate my wife’s birthday, that would be a capital offense.
  2. Every move has been magnified more than you expected? Well, that’s what the telephoto lens was made for.
  3. Victoria’s Secret is probably cheering you for the plug. Until you take them off in public, then not so much.
  4. You’re just getting started? Where does this go from here, and should I be afraid? I’m placing my bet now on that adult film.

Let’s see what else in the news about the Spears-Lohan-Hilton “axis of evil, ” shall we?:

bullet CELEBRITIES HOLD COURT ON BRITNEY/PARIS: Many celebrities are coming out of the woodwork to comment on the Spears’ “unveiling.” Here’s a quick summary of the comments I’ve found:

  • Singer/actress Bette Midler (link) : “I started my life out as pretty wild, but I have decided, after much growing and living, that its time that we got nicer! And I’m wearing underwear, a lot of underwear. In fact I’m wearing all the underwear that those girls are not wearing – at least two bras and several pairs of panties.” And she has a stern message for Hollywood’s leading party girls: “Get a life, get a grip. I mean someone should sit those ladies down.”
  • Singer/actress Courtney Love (link): “Say what you will about me, and I’m not passing judgment, but when I had my daughter, I stayed home with her almost every night for the first year of her life,” Love said.
  • Model/reality TV star Janice Dickinson (link): [She] told “Extra” it’s time for the pop princess to hang up her party pants and be a mom. “I mean, even I had give up my wild ways and buckle down and become a parent,” Dickinson insisted. “Paris is not the nanny; Britney should hang with the nannies and the children.”

bullet DRINKING AND DRIVING?: This can’t be good for Britney’s upcoming custody battle with Kevin Federline. ECanadaNow reports that US Weekly has caught Spears on Nov. 28 heading to her car carrying a glass of wine out of a Hollywood club.

She then ditched the glass with an assistant, hopped behind the wheel and drove off. No wonder child services was trying to get in touch with her.

bullet LOW MARKS FOR HOMEWORK: Ever wonder when your junior high homework would come back to haunt you? Britney now does.

Trapper KeeperThe Britney Spears Foundation pulled a past Spears’ homework assignment out of an ancient Trapper Keeper and tried to sell it at auction for charity.

More from the report at SAWFNews:

Britney Spears’ junior high school homework might have scored her a grade of 88 out of 100 points then, but now it isn’t worth what it used to be.

The essay, based on Rex Warner’s translation of Sophocles’ Antigone which Britney completed when she was a teenager, were expected to sell for between 500 dollars and 700 dollars when auctioned on Monday at Christie’s in New York, but fell flat on the expectation when it fetched just 200 dollars, reports Contactmusic.

Funds raised from the sale of the odd item – including other 169 lots of Spears memorabilia – will help benefit the Britney Spears Foundation.

Auctioneer Helen Hall had higher expectation for Britney’s book report, as she said: “We sold another piece of Britney Spears’ homework a couple of years back and that made over 1,000 dollars.”

The 24-year-old singer’s paper reportedly had spelling errors, as it carried Spears’ teacher comments such as “Nice cover” and “Watch out for spelling mistakes” on its back.

Spelling errors? Sounds like another youngster and “axis” member’s recent efforts on letter writing

bullet AND FINALLY, NEED A LIFT?: A NYC doctor is offering Ms. Spears a free tummy tuck to aid in her recovery from her recent birthing. Yes, that’s right, she’s a mother of a one-month old!

From the article:

Dr. Brad Jacobs said all the recent photos of the pop star out on the town showed that her 25-year-old body was showing signs of having two children and not working out.

Jacobs said in one photo of Spears getting out of a car with no underwear, “everyone was looking somewhere else, but I saw the scar from her C-section.” Jacobs said he’s a big fan of Spears and remembers when she was famous for her “six-pack abs.”

Jacobs said childbirth by a cesarean-section weakens the stomach muscles because they get cut. He said he offered her a holiday present of cosmetic surgery “to restore your midriff to its previous muscle tone and firmness.” The two-hour operation normally would cost $15,000.

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One Comment
  1. December 9, 2006 10:11 pm

    You’re hilarious! I didn’t think of it that way… “just getting started”… i’m happy the old brit is on her way back!

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